4.25.19

Today I feel like I’m seeing through a lens of actual reality instead of the lens of how I want things to be. I feel so many things all at once that I don’t know how to explain it, but I’m going to try.  I realized very recently that I’ve been a passenger in my life as opposed to the driver.

Who HAS been the driver?

My own fear.

Fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of not being enough…..you name it, I’ve been afraid of it. As a consequence I stopped taking risks, stopped opening up, and stopped being honest with myself and with others. I’ve compartmentalized people and emotions, causing me to become complacent and mediocre. I’ve hidden behind the walls I’ve created to protect myself, because who wants to get hurt? I’ve settled for less than what I deserve just to keep the peace.

I’ve been living life as the “best friend” instead of living life as the “leading lady” in almost every aspect of my existence. For years, I’ve accepted that I’m only good enough to be a sidekick. It’s kept me from challenging myself in my career, and it’s kept me from a real relationship. I could KICK myself. I’ve wasted ALL OF THIS TIME, and I’m so angry at myself.

From the movie The Holiday starring Kate Winslet

From now on, I call the shots and I’m going to do what’s right for me. No longer will I sit by and do all the work to maintain friendships. No longer will I wait to do the things I dream about just because I don’t have someone to do those things with me. No longer will I accept that I am only “wonderful, but…” I’m not going to sit around and watch the things I want get taken while I sit around twiddling my thumbs. Things may not go my way, but I’ll be damned if I sit around and just accept it. It’s time to fight. It’s time to get what I want and deserve.

I’m not a sidekick. I’m Batman, not Robin. I’m not your second choice, and I am not your back-up plan. I AM the plan.


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