Almost 39

I am 38 years old, yet 39 looms around the corner with a menacing glare in my direction.

My body feels every bit of 39. My knees crack, my back hurts occasionally, and I’m developing wrinkles on my forehead. My skin isn’t as soft as it once was, and it dries out very quickly. My hair is riddled with white, where it was once a nice dark brown. Those are just some of the physical changes. Then there are the other changes; for instance, if I don’t get enough sleep, I’m semi-doomed. It takes me at least three cups of highly caffeinated goodness before I’m even the least bit functional. If I do really intense bouts of exercise, it takes me way longer to recover, and I also retain water like a bloated camel. My body feels its age, but my mind is still very sharp and aware. My brain is constantly analyzing and pondering, reacting and responding. In fact, sometimes my brain works faster than my body can. My mind is definitely not 39.

All of the above causes quite a bit of frustration for me; there are so many things I wanted to have completed by this age. An overachiever since birth (I arrived a day early), the fact that my bucket list is incomplete really irks me. I really thought that I’d be happily married by now, with at least one son or daughter. As I’m getting older my dreams have morphed into new dreams.

I can narrow those down into three main goals:

  • Perhaps I’ll be a woman who lives her adventures and gets married later in life; maybe she is the most epic stepmother in the history of stepmothers–a “bonus mom” if you will.
  • Perhaps I’ll finally get to my goal weight and wear that bikini proudly–even if it’s just for me.
  • Perhaps I will finally get to visit Ireland for my 40th birthday. I can’t explain it. Ireland is so beautiful, and it has always called to me. I simply must make a trip happen. It will be the best gift I can ever give myself, the gift of a lifetime.

I know I’ll keep aging. I can’t stop time…..but I won’t stop dreaming.

Photo by SplitShire on

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