Motivation and Honesty

I deleted all of my dating apps last night. I know some of you will sincerely miss tales from the train wreck that is my dating life.

After a deep conversation with someone I care about immensely, I started to re-evaluate some of my personal motivations. Am I dating because society says that a single woman of a certain age should be married, OR am I dating because I think getting married is a good option for me?

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The answer is, I think, that I don’t want to get married right now. I like my life. I’m happy. Someday, maybe, I’ll feel ready…..but it’s not right now. I’ve still got so many things I’d like to work at on a personal level. I’m terrified of ending up alone, but I’m also terrified of sacrificing my own happiness as I struggle with dating. And it IS a struggle for me. I struggle with small talk and having the same conversation OVER and OVER with different men. It’s so superficial, and it’s exhausting.  I’m tired of putting my best foot forward and getting rejected. I’m not scared of rejection; I’m no stranger to it…..I’m just done. I’ve tried. I didn’t like my single status for a long time, so I was proactive about trying to change it. Kept my chin up and made an effort…..and now that effort needs to go back to ME.

I’m not going to stop living my life while I wait for someone who may or may not exist. How sad would that be? I refuse to sit at home and mope around. I’m going to continue to go out with my friends, try different restaurants, visit different places and have a BLAST. I’m going to read lots of books, write, and LIVE. If I meet someone who allows me to be the person I am in the comfort of a relationship, faults and all, and allows me to grow beside them, then I’ll know I’ve met my match. Perhaps he’s out there, working on himself too. I don’t know. I’m not settling. I don’t want “good enough”…..I want unconditional love and forever loyalty. When it’s the right time, I’ll know. When he’s the right man, I’ll know.  

In the meantime, I’ll be working on me for me. I’m my one TRUE soulmate.

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